Cancer...

I wish the title to this blog post was about my Zodiac Sign, but it is not. As you can guess, I have put off this blog post since the end of July...July 21st 2011, is when this roller coaster started, and sometimes I wonder how I even got on the ride.
I guess I'll just start from the beginning. Bare with me...I am sure I'll ramble and this will not be short. I want to write all that I remembered and felt until now:
At the end of July Kris was sent to work in Rifle Colorado for three weeks. Kris was there for only three days when I got a call at the Office, Motel phone. Kris said, "You want to go on a vacation?" I said, "Can you hold for a minute...a customer's is coming into the office." So I put Kris on hold. After I was done helping the customer Kris had already hung up. I tried calling him back, but he did not answer. He then called me back a few minutes later. He said again:

Kris: "Would you like to go on a little vacation fairly soon?"

(Kris loves vacations and plans/thinks of new ones all the time...keeps him motivated to work...ahhaa)

Me: "Umm... well, I guess??"

Kris: "Well, I need someone to come meet me in Salt Lake."

Me: "Why?"

Kris: "I'm here at the Hospital in Rifle and they found a Tumor."

Me: "What? Shut up....quit lying. What's going on?"

Kris: "No really...they're going to be sending me to the U of U hospital."

So...I of coarse started crying, and thought "Is this REALLY happening?" Kris started to have eye irritation before he took off to Colorado, the Sunday before he left. They just felt red and 'swollen'. Well, earlier that day, before he knew what was wrong with him, he had me call his eye doctor in Rock Springs; which he told Kris to find a eye doctor down there ASAP. All Kris told me at the time was his eyes were really bugging him--but I found out that he had DOUBLE VISION from 11am and it never went away after that. Just cross your eyes and that's what Kris was seeing the whole time.

He found an eye Doctor...and got him in. He looked at Kris and said that it had nothing to do with the eyes, and that it was something Neurological, so he was then sent to the ER. Kris had a MRI and they found a tumor/mass. They were not quite sure of the placement, size and such, but there was definitely a tumor.

Kris was then supposed to get on Life Flight, but it was taken, so he had a fun 6 hour Ambulance drive to the U of U Hospital.

Kris's parents and I then headed to SLC to meet Kris. Kris's sisters and my dad took over with the kids and the Motel. It was a little overwhelming. It was not the funnest of drives to think about all the "ifs" "ands", etc. It is just one of those things. You can't help but think of the worst...but even though having all these thoughts come in my head, I NEVER had a bad feeling. I was calm, quiet, and just wanted to figure out what was going on with my husband.

This was especially hard to take in because Kris has had NOTHING wrong with him health wise other than common colds/flu; which he didn't get that often. He was so healthy. Never complained about any pain/sickness at all. I have never had to take him to the hospital for anything. So this was all new...and too much at times.

He finally got to the hospital at 3am. We then waited in the ER, he had another MRI, and they confirmed there was a tumor. They showed us what it looked like. It was 3 inches long, and 2 inches thick. So, it wasn't small by any means. It was on the right side at the base of his skull going from his neck and then up putting pressure on his brain, and the nerves all around there; which it was affecting the optic nerve due to Kris's double vision.

Kris then was moved into the NCCU into a room there to find out the next step. A billion doctors and nurses in and out for two days. Kris was fine, other than double vision, so he wasn't really in any pain or anything. It was just a "hurry up and wait" kind of thing. They told us it could either be two things. Both were either non-cancerous or Cancer. Never a word you want to hear, but Dr. Hunt pretty much knew what it was because of the placement, but of coarse wanted to make sure. Kris was then sent home to have to come back the next week for a Biopsy surgery.

His Biopsy surgery was done on July 27th 2011 at the Huntsman Cancer Center, by Dr. Jason Hunt. That surgery they entered through his nose to get a piece of the tumor to then send it to the lab to find out what it was. That surgery was 5 hours long. I'm not gonna lie. I was nervous. Kris's parents, and two sister's, and brother in law were waiting for it to be over. I got a call on my cell phone from Dr. Hunt telling me that it went well, he was in the process of waking up, and he wanted to talk to me/us. I then got the worst feeling in my gut...that I almost puked. I just knew that he was not going to give us the best of news. So we all went into a little family/meeting room...

I hated this moment, it really made me sick to my stomach

Dr. Hunt told us that he was pretty sure it was a Sarcoma, and the lab will determine what kind. The piece he took out did look like it had Cancer cells by just looking at it, but again, lab will make sure. We were all silent of coarse, and I'm sure Dr. Hunt hates giving these talks. We were all pretty quiet, and I started tearing up...I couldn't hold it back anymore. He said, "This is pretty serious. Could be life threatening, and we need to think of the quality of life." So, yeah, of coarse the thought of losing my husband came to my mind... the "I am going to lose my husband and my kids are not going to have a dad." Not the most pleasant thoughts, and I wouldn't wish that hurt upon anyone. I hated thinking that. It was HORRIBLE!!

We then asked what the next plans were and what about his double vision, if he would see normal again, or??? Dr. Hunt said, "We don't know for sure what the tumor has damage, but most of the time if it has affected it now, it probably has damaged his eye sight in some way.' Then another thought came to my mind, it may sound silly to some of you, but I felt horrible thinking that Kris could never go hunting again. If he can't see, he can't shoot. This is Kris's life. His hobby. He is an amazing hunter. He loves the outdoors and the sport of hunting makes him look forward to things and keeps him motivated. That broke my heart again. It would really make Kris depressed if he couldn't Bow Hunt/Rifle Hunt like he used to.

Then Dr. Hunt said that he was going to do whatever it takes to take care of this. That Kris is young and healthy, and has a good attitude with a lot of support which will help him recover quicker and more than expected. He asked how Kris was taking all of this so far, and we all said "He jokes about it." Dr. Hunt was happy to hear that because your attitude and outlook really do affect your health; which I am very grateful for Kris and his attitude. Dr. Hunt got up and put his hand out to shake mine, we shook, but then he pulled me in and gave me a hug. He then gave everyone else in the room a hand shake and said he'll have someone come get us when Kris is awake enough to go back and see him.

So, we sat in this little family room/meeting room area in silence...hearing each others 'sniffles' and wiping our own tears. Even though it was silent, it was LOUD because you knew every one's minds were going 100mph with what we were just told.

A nurse came and got me and Kris's parents and we went back to see him. I of coarse started BAWLING when I saw Kris laying on the hospital bed, half out of it, and yes--I thought "Am I going to lose my husband?!" I leaned forward and kissed his forehead, I didn't want to let go. This was horrible to feel and go through...

While we were waiting for him to wake up more he could hear us "sniffling". Kris looked over at me and said, "Stop crying, I'm fine." I then said, "I'm not crying." Then he looked at his mom and said "You too!" She said she wasn't crying either...ahhaa. Kris knew better of coarse. He said, "Even though I can't see you because I'm not wearing my contacts, both of your faces are red. Stop it." Then he said a while later, "If you're going to keep crying you're going to lose your privilege to be back here with me." haha... STINKER! He always tries to make you laugh. But it was just hard to hear what the doctor said and then go in there with a straight face...TOO MUCH!! I couldn't quit crying so I excused myself, lied and said I needed to go the the rest room. I got in there and I started BAWLING. I had to let it out. I looked in the mirror and leaned over the sink and repeated over and over again to Heavenly Father "Why? Why? Why?!!!! I don't want to do this. I do not want to lose my husband. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to think/feel?" (I hope no one was outside of the bathroom door, because I'm sure I sounded like I lost it completely) I took a deep breath and I was just silenced and stopped crying. I had a warm feeling run through my body that just calmed me immediately. I then knew this is how I am supposed to feel. I knew then we had a long road ahead of us, but I was to be calm and have no worries. I have to keep reminding me of that moment.

I went back in with Kris and his parents. He was even more awake. Though I was still sad for Kris and I hated seeing him like this, I was much calmer.

We then headed home from SLC. Kris healed pretty quickly with that surgery. Took him about a week for his nose to not be so sore and his neck/head where they took a piece from the tumor.

It was the longest wait of our lives at that moment to get a call on August 1st, from Dr. Hunt with the diagnosis. I answered and he told asked to talk to Kris. He talked to Kris and told him that it is Cancer, and it was stage 2, called Chondrosarcoma. This cancer is rare. This cancer is not very known. This cancer is a form a cartilage that turns into cancer. It is a cancer that the average age is 65 years or older. Mostly common in Male gender. Most people do not even know it is there until they either come into the doctor for another reason. It is mostly common in joints in the knee or arm. The next step usually is to amputate. It can be found in the Base of the Skull; which is the most rare and dangerous. The average survival is up to 7 years(of coarse take in mind the average age in 65 or older). You can say we searched the Internet plenty on this. Even though reading the average age, the average survival for years still didn't settle well. But I know this did not mean my Kris.

Dr. Hunt was going to meet with two more doctors. Dr. Cauldwell, the top Neuro surgeon, world renowned. Then Dr. S(my mind just totally went blank), ear doctor... to determine what the next step would be. All three were going to play major rolls. I could just tell what Dr. Hunt told Kris on the phone by the tone of his voice. He walked over to me and said, "I'll tell you if you don't cry." I said,"What did he say?" I was already tearing up because I could tell by his voice it was not good... He said, "It is Cancer." I of coarse teared up more...and Kris said, "I told you not to cry." I said, "Well, I'm sorry. I can't help it. Why is this happening again? I do not remember signing up for this?" Kris then said, "We said we would follow Heavenly Father, and here we are. Sometimes things don't really happen for a certain reason, but there is always something to learn. We aren't here to go through nothing. Everyone has their own things, I guess mine is Cancer." Sorry if I sound negative here but I said, "Well, this is NOT FUN!!!"

Declan saw me crying, of coarse not knowing what was wrong. He came over and put his arm around my shoulder and said, "What's wrong mom?" I said, "Oh, I'm just worried about your daddy. I just hope he is okay." He said, "Don't worry Mom. Dad is going to be okay." :( Talk about heart wrenching!! What is more pure than a child?? Nothing. I truly think Declan is aware of what is going on in his own way, and he is always positive and reassures me with a hug and kiss. I am so blessed with this sweet little boy that is in our lives.

We have been getting many out-pour of love, concern, prayers from everyone. From Facebook, to this blog, to my email, texting, calls, church, being put on many Temple Prayer Lists in many different Temples all over, and face-to-face... It has been overwhelming to say the least. Everyone all around, family and friends, have really pulled together with each others faith and testimonies to bless us during this trial. We even had a family/friend/Ward/Stake Fasting for Kris. I know without a doubt it has blessed us and answered our prayers. The next day after the big Fast we got a call from Dr. Hunt saying he has been out of town and one of the Conferences was on Sarcoma Cancers. He met with many Dr's from around the world and he just happened to have Kris's file in his case still when he shouldn't have had it, it should have been back in Utah in the file area. They talked about Kris the whole time. They then decided what would be best for Kris. He was to have surgery first to remove as much as possible, then to have a new Radiation called Proton that has a very high success rate on this type of Cancer. Talk about relief!!! Talk about the Power in Fasting!!! It was answered!! We knew what was next and we knew what was best for Kris.

Kris then had surgery on August 19th 2011 at the U of U Hospital. He was taken back at 7am...it was anticipated to be a 12 to 14 hour surgery. Kris's parents, and sister's, and brother in law were there with me. It was a long day... but we knew Kris was in good hands. I can honestly say I was calm, I was content, I was not worried... I was just hoping that they would get as much as possible out, more than they even thought/planned on. I was more nervous for the after math of the surgery. The healing. Seeing him in a hospital bed with tubes and wires. We had a few visitors from my family to Kris's family and friends that day to keep us occupied. I thank them for that. Plus thankful for the many text and calls during the day as well from everyone.

We waited and waited...we would get calls every 2 hours from the nurse back in the O.R. to let us know how things were going. Every call was good news...one wasn't the best, but it was not horrible. They had to remove Kris's entire inner right ear to be able to access the tumor better. We were already told the day before, that this would most likely happen. So Kris no longer has hearing in his right ear at all, and never will. It was getting pretty late and the surgery was almost over. Kris's parents realized that he was going to be pretty out of it right after surgery and not even know they were there, so they were going to go the Motel to get some rest and would be up early in the morning.

So I was moved to another waiting room for him to be moved into the NCCU to his room. It was a bit nerve wracking wondering what he would look like, how he was doing... I finally saw him being rolled back to the room and saw a full set of hair poking out of the rest of his head that was completely wrapped :) It made me giggle a little because he has so much hair, I figured they would have shaved all of it off, but they only shaved where they cut. His incision went from the Right Temple and did a huge 'C' looking cut clear down under his jaw. Not a small cut at all.

I went back there...and I was surprised I didn't cry...but I was not happy to see him like this. He was slowly waking up. Couldn't talk. Just shook his head at me. Would open his eyes every once in awhile, and was making 'snoring' noises because he would fall asleep in and out all the time. I just held his hand and kept kissing his hand. I didn't want to sleep, I couldn't sleep. I stood by him the whole time. He started to wake up more and was even talking to me later on. He did not want to go back to sleep either and didn't want me to leave his side as well.

He got pretty nauseous from being under so long... he was under for a total of 15 hours to be exact. So, was not a minor surgery at all. But, since he was nauseous he actually started throwing up and choking :/ I had to hurry and push the button to prop him up and hit the nurse button when he was throwing up, but he still choked quite a bit. It scared me. I started crying because he actually stopped breathing for a moment. I called the nurse in, and I said "he's choking on his throw up" he said "okay" and walked away for something. I said "Get back in here! He is going to stop breathing. I can't do this. Please help!" I got mad at the nurse guy. I said, "Sorry I yelled, but I am trying to keep it together, trying to stay calm. He just got out of surgery. You guys need to keep an eye on him. I shouldn't have to take care of him RIGHT after a 15 hour surgery" :( They cleared his air way and put those little nose tubes for oxygen on him. You can guess I didn't sleep at all. Period. Wasn't even going to attempt to. It scared me to death.

Before I knew it his parents and sister came up...They told me to go to their Motel room for a nap and rest. I did go, but I just took a shower and went right back up. That first night scared me to death. I have never seen Kris so scared and to see him stop breathing made it worse.

The second night was NOT any better...

After everyone left and went to rest for the night, I noticed Kris was not breathing normal at all. Even if I was being there by his side the whole time. Taking a tube to suck out his mucus in his throat that he could not swallow... He was no longer breathing through his nose. It was all throat and it just sounded horrible. It was like a horrible snore/gurgle. I pointed it out to the nurse and he agreed that it sounded like he was working extra hard to breath. He called in a few doctors. They then decided that night/morning at 4am that they were going to take him back to the O.R. to hopefully put him back on the ventilator or if his throat happens to be too swollen for that, they would have to do an emergency tracheotomy. I got overwhelmed and I felt horrible for Kris. I started crying and one nurse came up to me and put her arm around me and told me it was going to be okay and that she was sorry I had to see this. So I had to sign a thing before they took him back if they did have to do the tracheotomy. I sat on the couch and just bawled. I was tired, but not, and I just did not want this to happen...then two main doctors had to reassure me as well. It is not that I had a bad feeling. It was just another set back, and another physical trial Kris had to go through, and that I had to see him go through this. It broke my heart.

He came back about 30 minutes later with the ventilator down his throat. That was not a pretty sight either, but way better than a tracheotomy.

Kris was on the ventilator for two more days...but those two days with it in there was not easy for him or us to see. He actually on the second day pulled it out...TWICE!!! One time it was when we all left to go eat. We told the nurse we were leaving and no one was going to be in there...have in mind that Kris has been tied down-literally- since he had the ventilator put in because young men are known to pull the tubes out. Well, it happened the first time while we were gone. So they had to put in another one.

Well, after hearing this news, I went back. I was standing beside him holding his hand. The strong-TURD started going for it AGAIN!! I was pushing down his hand as hard as I could, but he still managed to pull some of it out--With me pushing down and him still being tied up!! I kept yelling "Kris stop!!" He looked at me straight in the eye and I knew he was just fed-up and ready to be done with this. After this second attempt they had to put these gloves on both of his hands. They were literally like boxing gloves, but white and softer...still being tied down...so he can't do it again, so he can't grab. Doctors heard of his naughty-ness. They said, "I guess he wants it out. It came out so easily the first time...that's a good sign that his throat swelling has gone down." HAHAHA... I guess there's a plust to everything??? So needless to say the next morning they pulled the tube out.

It was pretty exciting to have them take it out, because I'm sure it was horrible to have in. They took it out while Kris's parents, sister, and myself were all in the room. They told him to cough, he did. They told him to say yes...he shook his head...they said "SAY YES" He screamed YES! Best sound ever. It brought tears to my eyes. Then he grabbed my hand, he started to get tears in his eyes and said "Don't leave me." :( All of this was pretty overwhelming for all of us, and from then on he wanted to make sure someone was always in the room with him; which someone always was.

From then on everyday was an improvement. The day after he was attempted his first walk with therapist by his sides. He got up out of his bed just fine, but he got in the door way, turned around got REALLY dizzy, turned white as snow, and passed out. They said that is to be expected with a brain surgery, and especially them taking his inner ear out; messed with his equalibrium. I teared up seeing him pass out. I am not gonna lie--He looked horrible. He was soooo skinny!!! I mean, he's already skinny, but he started at 155 the day before surgery..and by this time he already was in the low 140's.

But from then on every therapy walk was better and better. It went from having people on his side...to a walker with therapist...to a walker by himself...to walking by himself. He amazed everyone and it happend so quick. I was so proud.

He was in the NCCU from the 19th, Friday to the 24th. From the 24th to the night of the 26th he was in the Accute Care Unit, a calmer floor/room. Then the night of the 26th he was already ready to moved to Rehab.

Rehab was pretty depressing actually. It was in the older part of the U of U. The room was smaller and it just felt 'dark', not much light and not as 'open'. Since he was moved in when the weekend started, his therapy didn't start til' Monday. They had him do some mental evaluation. They had him do some physical excersises to see where he was at. Then later on some speech thearapy. There were a lot of people there, and a lot who were in more physical/mental trials then Kris. It made me feel grateful, and made me realize things could always be worse, and to be grateful for what we have.

The major trial Kris had, and why he wasn't sent home already was because he literally couldn't swallow. He couldn't even swallow his own spit without choking and feeling like he was drowning. So overwhelming for him it would have panic attacks. It was very hard to see him go through this. You do not realize the little things until they are gone. Think about it. Take a swallow. Seems easy right? But with Kris's surgery, where the tumor was, the doctor's having to move nerves, causing swelling, he just lost that motor skill.

Kris worked so hard to get this back. It was our main focus to even be in rehab. Kris was getting pretty frustrated with himself. He was pretty down on himself and this whole situation for the first time. Kris does not express his feelings often, or at all for that matter. He was so upset that he actually cried. I have NEVER seen Kris cry for anything. I was shocked and did not know how to take it. I went blank. He said, "This has really been horrible. I never realized it would be this hard. The first night after surgery I thought I was dead. You were gone doing something. I couldn't talk. I thought I was dead because no one was checking on me, and no one could hear me. It was the worst feeling I ever had. I thought I was gone." I started crying...because he kept giving me lectures everyday before this "You can't cry until I cry." I honestly never thought the day would come for me to see him cry like this. I do not want to see it again. He cried for quite awhile and he said "I think the tumor was blocking my emotions, and it is letting all the years that have built up out right now." ahahha!!! Always makes a laugh out of everything.


Then after working so hard, and telling him he could do it and it was going to happen, just would take time...it happend. The speech therapyst was great and showed him some tricks and gave him confidence. From then on he was eating like a champ. He was happy again.


With all this improvement and him eating it was time to go home. You heal faster at home anyways...and it was time to be back with our boys. We headed home the morning of September 1st. He was one day shy of being in the hospital for a total of 2 weeks. This was nothing short of anything other than a Miracle.

Kris is a Miracle

The surgery alone is proof that the Priesthood Blessings , Prayer, Faith, Fasting was heard and answered. He was walking. He was talking. He was swallowing. He was healing more and more everyday to be back to the Kris we know and love. Where the tumor was located was scary enough alone if I ponder about it. It was located by all the nerves on the right side of his neck, at the base of the skull and was entering his brain. They had to removed it on his jugular, VERY TOUCHY, VERY SCARY. They had to CUT into his skull and had to go into his brain sack to remove some of the tumor. They had to remove it touching his tongue nerve, his facial nerve, his swallowing nerve, his eye nerve. It was in a DANGEROUS spot.


Kris's permanent side affect is his hearing of coarse... but it also did affect his facial nerve causing some paralysis. They expect that to come back by 6 months or more, and it is. He just has to really focus on closing his right eye. Then when he talks only the left side of his face moves. So when you see him smile, it's a half smile :) And when he puckers up for a kiss only his left side kisses :) Then to top it off his double vision went away COMPLETELY. He is wearing glasses until his eye closes better, but he says his vision is back to normal. I am so happy to hear this!! He is a little weak/shakey, and gets tired easy, but even that is getting better and better.


Since being home he has been eating non-stop, and it has been great to see him get back to where he was. From September 1st, he went home at high 130's, to his appointments on September 20th he was 167!! haha... He said, "I think I've lost my button where I feel full, because I never feel full anymore." He definitely showed that when we ate at Red Lobster that night and he ate Soup, Salad, 80 shrimp, bread, pasta...I love it. He needs it. He is healthy and active. He's always been a eater.


We were told at those pre-op appointments by his Cancer doctor, Dr. Hunt, that Proton Radiation would be the next step and best option. Though they have removed all visible parts of the tumor, they want to make sure this is under control and do all they can for it to not grow back. He recommended Boston.


Kris and I flew out to Boston on Saturday, October 1st, and this is where I am writing this whole thing. In Boston, at the Hotel. We have met with 2 doctors here, and it sounds like they think this is the best thing to do as well. We are actually flying back home tomorrow, and Kris will come back in three weeks(something like that) for the Proton Radiation Treatment. Insurance has to clear, and they have to get things ready. It has been overwhelming to plan, get ready, get tossed around doctor to doctor...and crazy to think we're actually in Boston to further help Kris. His treatment will most likely be 6 weeks, 5 days a week, and it only takes 15 minutes each time. Pretty crazy. The reason for this radiation is because it does not go through the whole body. It just focuses on THE SPOT/AREA; which is best for this touchy area. His side affects are: Tired, Sun burn affect in that area, and he will lose his hair in only that area. He shouldn't be nauseous/sick, which is a huge plus.


I just want to let you all know(if you are reading this or not) that I am truly thankful for YOU ALL. This whole thing has opened my eyes and heart. You never know what life will bring you. I would lie if I say I have been positive the whole time. I have had my moments(mostly in my own head and to myself), but I keep being brought back to realize why we are here on earth. We are giving a body, given a life, given talents, traits, given the choice to take what life throws at you and how you take it. I know my Heavenly Father has heard me, and has been by my side. I know I have been carried when I did not want to wake up...or speak... I know the spirit has calmed me and has made me realize that I need to Trust myself, and I need to know that I am a daughter of God and I need to turn to him more often. I know my prayers and prayers from others have TRULY helped us get through this. There is no doubt in my mind.


I have been given many blessing from Kris that have given me comfort. Kris has had blessings. His parents have had blessings. All of them have left us with a good spirit and a good feeling of outcome. My brother Chase was actually out in Green River right before the surgery. He came out from New York for a few to visit with all of the family. I felt an impression as we were saying goodbye, and I asked him to give me a blessing. He of coarse said "Yes." One part that sticks out most in the blessing was "You will be the closest you have ever been to your Heavenly Father during this time..." I know I have. It feels wonderful. I feel like I lost myself there for a bit. I have learned so much...I have experienced so much... I pray I never forget.


The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church here on earth. It has all the keys for us to return to our Father in Heaven. It has a True and Living Prophet who leads and guides us during these times. I am grateful I have it. I am grateful for the knowledge that I have, and that I keep learning and growing from life--even if it seems too much. I know Kris is here today because of the blessings and testimonies of all of you. I am grateful for your prayers. I am thankful for you and your Faith. I thank my Heavenly Father, I thank my Savior, and I'm grateful for the Holy Ghost that continues to be with me even when I am not aware or listening to the still small voice.


Something really hit hard, I think my sister told me this about a month ago that she heard from Church one Sunday...

Heavenly Father WANTS to hear from you. WANTS to hear your thoughts, concerns, what you are going through EVERYDAY. Good or Bad. Just like our earthly Father. Just imagine walking into your house, having your Dad standing there, and you just walking by him and not saying a word to him. How would that make him feel? Heavenly Father is waiting for you to talk to him. He wants to hear from you.

I know He has heard me...