...This weekend is coming up very quick. Declan is turning one on Sunday, November 2nd. I do not know whether to be happy or cry...
I remember last year...quite clearly and it kind of scares me and makes me want to tear up and roll into a ball. I can not help but blame myself sometimes and wonder what I shoud have done different.
Dez, my sister, called me on November 1st--last year- to see how my doctor appointment was. She told me that one of Geoff's really good friends that he grew up with had a baby in July, four weeks early from due date...and then Died on October 28th 2007- a year ago today...only lived to be three months sadly.
Declan was five weeks early so you could only realize what was going through my head. I know Dez did not tell me that story to scare me- but I think that knowing that their little one was born four weeks early and mine five...that I am very lucky because it could have easily gone the other way. It was all so-I don't know how to describe it. Awakening I guess I would say. Life is precious and a miracle. I can not even grasp all the emotions that were going on last year. I was in shock when my water broke and I was not quite sure if that was the real thing. I know I probably scared Kris half to death when I called and said, "My water broke and we're on our way to Rock Springs Hospital."
But at the same time...I never really had a bad feeling, that I was going to loose my little one. Though I thought it, but in my heart I knew that everything was going to be okay, and Heavenly Father was truly answering prayers and watching over us. Heavenly Father gave me strength to even get up and to not think about myself, but about a life that was given to me that has given me such joy.
It was not to joyful of a experience at first though. When I had Declan there was just one more baby born that day in the Rock Springs hospital and it died. Then, when we took life flight the very next day, the 3rd. We stayed the night in a "Parents Room" at the University Hospital. Right when we got there and talked to the Doctors about Decaln, next door to us was a young mother, and many family members sobbing because they just watched their baby die. I was overwhelmed and was sorry for them. The little cousins to the baby that died were right in front of Kris and I asking their grandpa, "Why did the baby have to die?" Talk about heart-wrenching.
All the things that little Declan had to go through is unbearable to look back on.
Declan was five weeks early so you could only realize what was going through my head. I know Dez did not tell me that story to scare me- but I think that knowing that their little one was born four weeks early and mine five...that I am very lucky because it could have easily gone the other way. It was all so-I don't know how to describe it. Awakening I guess I would say. Life is precious and a miracle. I can not even grasp all the emotions that were going on last year. I was in shock when my water broke and I was not quite sure if that was the real thing. I know I probably scared Kris half to death when I called and said, "My water broke and we're on our way to Rock Springs Hospital."
But at the same time...I never really had a bad feeling, that I was going to loose my little one. Though I thought it, but in my heart I knew that everything was going to be okay, and Heavenly Father was truly answering prayers and watching over us. Heavenly Father gave me strength to even get up and to not think about myself, but about a life that was given to me that has given me such joy.
It was not to joyful of a experience at first though. When I had Declan there was just one more baby born that day in the Rock Springs hospital and it died. Then, when we took life flight the very next day, the 3rd. We stayed the night in a "Parents Room" at the University Hospital. Right when we got there and talked to the Doctors about Decaln, next door to us was a young mother, and many family members sobbing because they just watched their baby die. I was overwhelmed and was sorry for them. The little cousins to the baby that died were right in front of Kris and I asking their grandpa, "Why did the baby have to die?" Talk about heart-wrenching.
All the things that little Declan had to go through is unbearable to look back on.
I remember how hard it was to change his clothes, diaper, to even hold him because of all the tubes and wires. It was horrible. When Declan got the tube pulled out that was helping him breath--he was trying to cry and couldn't because the tube had been down his throat for so long and made his throat sore, that he could not make a sound. It hurt so bad to look at his face in pain and mouth move and could see him crying, but with no sound. I could not help but put my face down because there was nothing I could do for him. I recently made a DVD slide show of Declan first year and I am showing it for his birthday party. I asked all my family members to send me all the pictures that they had of Declan; which I had plenty of now, but I really wanted early ones. I got a picture from Becky's-my sister in law- phone. It was a picture of my dad and Kris's dad in the room in the Hospital looking down at Declan. It touched my heart and...I'm tearing up just thinking about it. I just can not tell/write how grateful I am for the priesthood and the blessings of a unbelievable family. I know with all my heart that Declan is here because of the blessing that we have of the Priesthood and the Authority that our wonderful Husbands and Fathers hold and are given by our Lord.
Kris gave me a blessing right before I gave birth to Declan. Then as soon as Declan was born, Kris gave Declan one. Though I did not get to witness Kris giving Declan a blessing, I know that the spirit was their. What an amazing husband I have. I am truly thankful and grateful beyond words. I am especially thankful for my Heavenly Father for blessing me to be a mom, and that Declan is strong and healthy now...
What a wonderful year it has been. I was challenged and tested in many ways. I have a healthy son. I have a strong loving worthy husband. I have a roof above my head. A job that I can have Delcan at. Transport. Food. Family. Gospel...and it's all because of my Father in Heaven. How blessed I am...
Footprints in the Sand:
One night I dreamed of walking along the shores of different lands.I could tell that You were with me by the footprints in the sand.As I gazed upon the heavens, I saw pages of my life.It was then I realized that You remained there by my side.When the clouds began to gather and the rains came falling down,I looked to only find one set of footprints on the ground.I said, "Lord, why did You leave me in the troubled times of life?I believed that You would always walk beside me day and night." (Then I heard:)"My precious child, I'd never leave you.I have carved you on the hollow of My hand.It's then I carried you in My arms,When you see one set of footprints in the sand"Dear Lord, will You be with me as I travel through the years?Will You be there in the struggles? Will You wipe away the tears?As my eyes turn toward the ocean and the shores of distant lands,I'm still thinking of the single set of footprints in the sand. (I heard Him say:)"My precious child, I'd never leave you.I have carved you on the hollow of My hand.It's then I carried you in My arms,When you see one set of footprints in the sand."Will I hear the angels singing, as my life comes to an end.Oh Lord, I long to see You. Will You be there once again?My eyes turn toward the heavens, along the path of foreign lands,Once more, I'm thinking of the set of footprints in the sand. (Jesus said:)"My precious child, I'd never leave you.See your name carved on the hollow of My hand.I'm here to carry you to your home.You will see one set of footprints in the sand. I know, for one, that I was carried...
especially through this...
